1
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The Inbetweeners s02e05
The Duke of Edinburgh Awards

2
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(WILL) I was no stranger
to Mr Gilbert's office.

3
00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:24,280
I often popped by with a complaint

4
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:27,120
or a suggestion on how the school
could be better run.

5
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But today was different -
he'd actually invited me.

6
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:30,640
Sit down, McKenzie.

7
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:33,360
Actually, I'm glad we have
this opportunity to chat

8
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:33,880
as there's a couple of things...

9
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:34,960
Shut up.

10
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,600
Sure.

11
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The headmaster has decided it would
be a good idea for sixth formers

12
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,840
to participate in the
Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme.

13
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,000
I'd like you to co-ordinate it.

14
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,840
Me? Really?!

15
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,680
Duke of Edinburgh representative
for the entire year?

16
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Yes.

17
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I am honoured, sir.

18
00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:53,640
Thanks very much. Why me?

19
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,280
You're a virgin, aren't you,
McKenzie?

20
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:57,920
Sorry?

21
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A virgin. You haven't had
full sexual intercourse?

22
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,320
Um...no, I haven't.

23
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Well, there's your answer.
Now get out.

24
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Maybe we should arrange a weekly
meeting to check on my progress.

25
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:10,559
You can if you like,
but I won't be there.

26
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Or I could compose a regular memo
with how it's all going.

27
00:01:13,719 --> 00:01:16,999
OK. Why don't you drop that
in my pigeonhole?

28
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Great. Where's that, sir?

29
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Any bin.

30
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Any rubbish bin you see in,
or indeed, out of the school.

31
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Just pop all your thoughts in a
rubbish bin, and they'll get to me.

32
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Goodbye, McKenzie.

33
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So now I was Will McKenzie
"By Royal Appointment".

34
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But like all great leaders, I need
some idiots to use as cannon fodder.

35
00:01:36,439 --> 00:01:37,639
Now, where would I find some idiots?

36
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'Ere, look at this.

37
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(THEY LAUGH)

38
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Holy shit! Poor fucker's
had all his hair removed with Immac.

39
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(NEIL) What's that?

40
00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:46,839
It's what birds use
to get a nice, smooth fanny.

41
00:01:46,839 --> 00:01:48,799
I think my mum uses it
for her legs.

42
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She wants to use it on her moustache
and the backs of her hands!

43
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(NEIL LAUGHS)

44
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Brilliant(!)

45
00:01:53,039 --> 00:01:55,159
Gilbert's just told me
some great news.

46
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School's giving free briefcases
to speccy twats? No.

47
00:01:58,039 --> 00:01:59,279
Your mum's giving free blow jobs?

48
00:01:59,279 --> 00:02:00,158
Nothing to do with my mum.

49
00:02:00,158 --> 00:02:02,678
You've been asked to appear
on Who's The Gayest?

50
00:02:02,678 --> 00:02:04,798
Don't think that's even a real show.

51
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Gilbert has registered the school
for the Duke of Edinburgh Awards,

52
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and I'm the co-ordinator.

53
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I thought you had good news?

54
00:02:10,878 --> 00:02:12,198
This is good news.

55
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Think how good a Duke of Edinburgh
Award will look on our UCAS forms.

56
00:02:15,758 --> 00:02:17,918
Oh, now it sounds awesome(!)

57
00:02:17,918 --> 00:02:21,158
Simon, trust me, this will look
great on our uni applications.

58
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We get to help the community and also
do some pretty incredible activities,

59
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like whitewater rafting,
abseiling, even mountain climbing.

60
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Sounds like a queer
adventure holiday.

61
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Who is this Duke of Edinburgh?
Does he teach it?

62
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No, course he doesn't teach it,
you fucking idiot.

63
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The Duke of Edinburgh
is Prince Charles.

64
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:41,238
Um, no, he isn't. It's his dad.

65
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King Philip?

66
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No. That is the Duke of Edinburgh
you're thinking of,

67
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but he's not the king.

68
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He fucks the Queen, though.

69
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Oh.

70
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Probably up the arse.

71
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Look, do you want to sign up or not?

72
00:02:51,717 --> 00:02:53,277
You've gotta be fucking joking.

73
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There's no way I'm getting bummed by
some royal bloke on a mountain.

74
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Yeah, fuck it, I'm in.

75
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Why, you twat?

76
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I've never met the Queen.

77
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Simon?

78
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I'll think about it.

79
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Come on! You can't just have "moping
after Carli" on your UCAS form.

80
00:03:06,077 --> 00:03:07,837
I actually do loads of things
in my spare time.

81
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Masturbating doesn't count
as a hobby.

82
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Oh, fuck it, go on, then.

83
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Brilliant.
I'll go and register us now.

84
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See you Sunday!

85
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Sunday?

86
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Yes, Sunday.

87
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My mum's barbecue?

88
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Do you remember anything
I invite you to?

89
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Not really.

90
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Don't worry, I'm coming. Wherever
your mum's snatch is, I'll be there.

91
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So the good news for fans of
overcooked meat, tedious small talk

92
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and weird neighbours was it was my
mum's barbecue, and it was rocking.

93
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This is a shit party.

94
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It's a middle-aged woman's barbecue.

95
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Were you expecting
the Playboy Mansion?

96
00:03:40,676 --> 00:03:41,876
Still shit.

97
00:03:41,876 --> 00:03:44,916
Um, Si, I just saw your mum inside.
She looked pretty upset.

98
00:03:44,916 --> 00:03:46,796
Oh, no! Blubbing?

99
00:03:46,796 --> 00:03:48,156
She was a bit, yeah.

100
00:03:48,156 --> 00:03:51,436
Oh, bloody hell! She's been a total
baby since Dad moved out.

101
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Your dad's moved out?

102
00:03:52,916 --> 00:03:54,756
They've not been getting on lately,

103
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so he's moved out for a few weeks
while they sort stuff out.

104
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What, like her face?

105
00:03:58,396 --> 00:03:59,476
It'll take more than a few weeks
to sort that mess out.

106
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Shut up, you cock!

107
00:04:01,316 --> 00:04:02,996
Do you maybe want to check she's OK?

108
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Not really. I've had it all week.
It's so embarrassing.

109
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Do you want me to get rid of her?

110
00:04:06,916 --> 00:04:09,236
Um, no, it's fine.

111
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All right, I'd better go and mingle.

112
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Don't break anything
and don't steal anything.

113
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We'll just go inside and get a beer.

114
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No, you are banned from going inside.

115
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Why?

116
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Because you'll do something
like steal my mum's knickers

117
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to sniff and then wank with.

118
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With?

119
00:04:24,036 --> 00:04:26,916
Yes, with. And then you'll take
great pleasure in telling me

120
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how you wrapped my mother's knickers
round your cock

121
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and used the friction generated
whilst thinking about her tits

122
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to make you come.

123
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Hello, Will.

124
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Oh, hello, Mrs Cooper.

125
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Simon, do you mind if we go?

126
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Oh, bloody hell, really?

127
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OK! Fine!

128
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While Simon offered his mother
a surly shoulder to cry on,

129
00:04:49,835 --> 00:04:52,195
I mingled with a fellow
tank top enthusiast.

130
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Shouldn't you be revising?

131
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Ha, yes. One day off won't hurt.

132
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It might do.
My nephew went to Center Parcs

133
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six weeks before his entrance exam
to Oxford.

134
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He didn't make the cut,
decided to take a year out.

135
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All his friends went to university.

136
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By the time they returned for
Christmas, he'd hanged himself.

137
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Right.

138
00:05:11,075 --> 00:05:12,515
Thanks, Roy.

139
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Oh, sorry!

140
00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:19,595
Hello, Will! You probably don't
remember me. I used to baby-sit you.

141
00:05:19,595 --> 00:05:22,434
No, course I do. You're Daisy,
Maggie's daughter.

142
00:05:22,434 --> 00:05:25,234
Wow. Nice to see you again.
You look really different.

143
00:05:25,234 --> 00:05:28,754
You don't. I recognised your glasses
straight away and your funny walk.

144
00:05:28,754 --> 00:05:31,154
Do people still laugh
at your funny walk?

145
00:05:31,154 --> 00:05:33,074
Did people laugh at my walk?

146
00:05:33,074 --> 00:05:36,034
No. A...bit.

147
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Great(!)

148
00:05:36,874 --> 00:05:38,874
Sorry, it's not that funny.

149
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It's just...different.

150
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To a normal one?

151
00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:43,074
Yes, but who wants normal?

152
00:05:43,074 --> 00:05:44,634
Well, me now!

153
00:05:44,634 --> 00:05:47,274
There's a guy at uni with six toes.
Everyone loves him.

154
00:05:47,274 --> 00:05:49,674
Right, good to know.
So what are you doing here?

155
00:05:49,674 --> 00:05:51,634
Well, I was invited.

156
00:05:51,634 --> 00:05:52,594
Yes, course.

157
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I'm working part-time at the old
folk's home, thought I'd pop by.

158
00:05:56,074 --> 00:05:59,274
Wow, what an incredibly selfless
thing to do!

159
00:05:59,274 --> 00:06:00,794
Not really.

160
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:03,234
I'm hoping one of the rich ones
might write me into their will.

161
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Sounds amazing. Amazing.

162
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,634
Well, we're always on the lookout
for volunteers.

163
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:11,873
Really? We're doing
a volunteering scheme at school.

164
00:06:11,873 --> 00:06:13,233
Maybe you could get us into the home.

165
00:06:13,233 --> 00:06:15,913
It's an old people's home.
There's not a waiting list.

166
00:06:15,913 --> 00:06:17,353
Yes. Sorry, course.

167
00:06:17,353 --> 00:06:19,313
So, you're still at school?

168
00:06:19,313 --> 00:06:21,553
Technically, yes,
but I'm very mature.

169
00:06:21,553 --> 00:06:22,713
(JAY) Right, you coming?

170
00:06:22,713 --> 00:06:26,153
Oh, God. Look, sorry,
I have to deal with something.

171
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,353
Oh, what's happened?

172
00:06:27,353 --> 00:06:29,273
Two of my friends
have just gone into my house.

173
00:06:29,273 --> 00:06:31,633
It doesn't sound catastrophic.

174
00:06:31,633 --> 00:06:35,193
You don't know them.
Look, can you wait there?

175
00:06:35,193 --> 00:06:38,953
I'm off soon, but do get in touch
about the volunteering.

176
00:06:38,953 --> 00:06:41,073
Now let's see that funny walk again.

177
00:06:41,073 --> 00:06:41,633
Really?

178
00:06:41,633 --> 00:06:42,993
For old times' sake.

179
00:06:42,993 --> 00:06:47,153
OK... I don't really know
how I do it.

180
00:06:52,273 --> 00:06:53,913
There it is!

181
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:55,713
Daisy was perfect for me.

182
00:06:55,713 --> 00:06:58,993
'She was older, more sophisticated,
caring and, best of all,

183
00:06:58,993 --> 00:07:01,272
'owned her own nurse's uniform.'

184
00:07:01,272 --> 00:07:03,792
Great news.
I spent the morning setting up

185
00:07:03,792 --> 00:07:06,392
our first D of E assignment.
It's today after school.

186
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:07,072
The what?

187
00:07:07,072 --> 00:07:09,552
D of E. It stands for
"Duke of Edinburgh".

188
00:07:09,552 --> 00:07:11,912
It's what people on the course
refer to it as.

189
00:07:11,912 --> 00:07:13,832
Is it mountain climbing?

190
00:07:13,832 --> 00:07:14,632
No.

191
00:07:14,632 --> 00:07:16,512
I hope it's whitewater rafting.

192
00:07:16,512 --> 00:07:17,112
Nope!

193
00:07:17,112 --> 00:07:18,512
What are we doing?

194
00:07:18,512 --> 00:07:21,632
We're doing voluntary work
at an old people's home.

195
00:07:21,632 --> 00:07:22,552
Up a mountain?

196
00:07:22,552 --> 00:07:24,872
No, just round the corner
from school.

197
00:07:24,872 --> 00:07:26,552
Oh, Will, for fuck's sake!

198
00:07:26,552 --> 00:07:27,712
But Prince Charles'll be there?

199
00:07:27,712 --> 00:07:28,752
No.

200
00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:30,152
Will, do we have to do this?

201
00:07:30,152 --> 00:07:33,392
There are several different modules
and this is one of them,

202
00:07:33,392 --> 00:07:33,832
so...yes.

203
00:07:33,832 --> 00:07:36,792
Ha! I am well glad I'm not doing it.

204
00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:39,432
I'm glad too,
cos you always fuck things up.

205
00:07:39,432 --> 00:07:42,712
And as this is important to me,
I don't want you anywhere near it.

206
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:46,192
Yeah, it's important for you to
spend time at an old people's home,

207
00:07:46,192 --> 00:07:47,512
because you're a paedo.

208
00:07:47,512 --> 00:07:49,792
If I did fancy old people,
which I don't,

209
00:07:49,792 --> 00:07:50,991
that would make me the opposite
of a paedophile.

210
00:07:50,991 --> 00:07:52,471
He is right.

211
00:07:52,471 --> 00:07:53,751
Well, then, he's an OAPaedo.

212
00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:54,471
Brilliant(!)

213
00:07:54,471 --> 00:07:56,231
You're desperate for a gum job.

214
00:07:56,231 --> 00:07:56,831
Am I?

215
00:07:56,831 --> 00:07:59,111
"Hello, I'm Will.
Pop your teeth out, Doris,

216
00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:00,431
"and have a little nosh on this."

217
00:08:00,431 --> 00:08:00,831
Right. Any more?

218
00:08:00,831 --> 00:08:02,191
Yeah, give us a minute.

219
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,831
Something about you needing
a queering aid.

220
00:08:04,831 --> 00:08:07,431
'I decided not to mention
that Daisy was the real reason

221
00:08:07,431 --> 00:08:10,351
'we had to spend the next three weeks
nursing the elderly

222
00:08:10,351 --> 00:08:11,871
'and focused on the positives.'

223
00:08:11,871 --> 00:08:14,431
Think of all the stories
these people will have,

224
00:08:14,431 --> 00:08:15,551
how much we can learn from them.

225
00:08:15,551 --> 00:08:18,351
Is it going to be boring,
like reading?

226
00:08:18,351 --> 00:08:20,871
Oh, fuck!

227
00:08:20,871 --> 00:08:21,791
Oh, it don't smell great.

228
00:08:21,791 --> 00:08:25,231
Guys, it is such a cliche
that old people smell.

229
00:08:25,231 --> 00:08:26,951
I thought you were better than that.

230
00:08:26,951 --> 00:08:28,951
But it does smell in here.

231
00:08:28,951 --> 00:08:31,751
In here, granted, it does smell.

232
00:08:31,751 --> 00:08:34,991
But the point is, we're here
to change things for these people.

233
00:08:34,991 --> 00:08:36,471
That's what the D of E Award's
all about.

234
00:08:36,471 --> 00:08:37,711
Oh, great(!)

235
00:08:37,711 --> 00:08:40,990
Let's skip the abseiling and
just watch this lot sleep, then(!)

236
00:08:40,990 --> 00:08:43,150
Simon, I promise
this'll be worth it.

237
00:08:43,150 --> 00:08:44,950
Hello!

238
00:08:44,950 --> 00:08:45,990
Hello.

239
00:08:45,990 --> 00:08:47,990
I think I've done a poo.

240
00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:51,950
(WILL) Ooh, that's not good.
Wait there.

241
00:08:53,510 --> 00:08:54,310
Oh, thank God, Daisy.

242
00:08:54,310 --> 00:08:55,470
Oh, hello again.

243
00:08:55,470 --> 00:08:57,710
Great to see you.
Now, I've got a bit of a problem.

244
00:08:57,710 --> 00:09:00,030
Is it the smell? You get used to it.

245
00:09:00,030 --> 00:09:02,350
No, I've helped an old lady
to the toilet

246
00:09:02,350 --> 00:09:06,750
and I didn't realise the help
would extend to helping her go

247
00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:10,150
and I don't think it's right
for me to see her...you know...

248
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,510
Fanny?

249
00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:12,910
Um, yeah.

250
00:09:12,910 --> 00:09:14,270
You don't like fannies, then?

251
00:09:14,270 --> 00:09:16,150
No, love them, love the fannies.

252
00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:18,750
It's just an old lady's fanny.
Not that she isn't a person.

253
00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:20,830
It's just her fanny is...hers

254
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:24,110
and is...private. Why am I talking
about old ladies' fannies?

255
00:09:24,110 --> 00:09:26,390
Why am I talking about fannies
at all?

256
00:09:26,390 --> 00:09:28,030
Is she in there? Yeah.

257
00:09:28,030 --> 00:09:30,789
You get used to the fannies.
And the balls.

258
00:09:30,789 --> 00:09:33,829
They're lovely old boys here,
but, goodness, some of their balls!

259
00:09:33,829 --> 00:09:35,869
Wish me luck!

260
00:09:37,309 --> 00:09:39,269
So what do we do, then?

261
00:09:39,269 --> 00:09:40,949
Just keep an eye on them, I guess.

262
00:09:40,949 --> 00:09:42,549
To make sure we don't lose any?

263
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,309
I don't think they're
planning an escape.

264
00:09:44,309 --> 00:09:46,189
My tortoise kept running away.

265
00:09:46,189 --> 00:09:47,749
What has that got to do
with anything?

266
00:09:47,749 --> 00:09:50,909
Well, that was old and wrinkly.

267
00:09:50,909 --> 00:09:52,669
Dead now, of course.

268
00:09:52,669 --> 00:09:56,349
Off you go, Phyllis. Just give us
a bit more warning next time.

269
00:09:57,829 --> 00:09:59,029
Sorry, I was a bit useless there.

270
00:09:59,029 --> 00:10:00,389
It just takes practice.

271
00:10:00,389 --> 00:10:03,749
We'll soon turn you into the
Florence Nightingale of old arses.

272
00:10:03,749 --> 00:10:04,829
How do you do it?

273
00:10:04,829 --> 00:10:05,469
Front to back.

274
00:10:05,469 --> 00:10:08,149
No, I mean dedicating your life
to helping others.

275
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,389
It's just a job.

276
00:10:09,389 --> 00:10:12,429
And I'm not feeling
particularly dedicated today.

277
00:10:12,429 --> 00:10:13,229
Anything I can do to help?

278
00:10:13,229 --> 00:10:14,349
Not really.

279
00:10:14,349 --> 00:10:16,589
I can't get tomorrow off to go
to my best friend's hen party.

280
00:10:16,589 --> 00:10:18,909
Well, I'll be around tomorrow.

281
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:21,268
And so will my friends.
We could cover for you!

282
00:10:22,908 --> 00:10:26,428
Will, that's sweet, but I'd need
cover for the overnight shift, too.

283
00:10:26,428 --> 00:10:28,668
I'll do that myself!
I'll stay up all night if I have to.

284
00:10:28,668 --> 00:10:29,748
Seriously?

285
00:10:29,748 --> 00:10:32,428
Absolutely.
You shall go to the ball, Cinderella!

286
00:10:34,348 --> 00:10:38,348
You're such a twat,
but a very sweet one. Thanks.

287
00:10:38,348 --> 00:10:39,748
I owe you one.

288
00:10:39,748 --> 00:10:41,788
Then let me take you to dinner.

289
00:10:41,788 --> 00:10:43,588
Dinner?

290
00:10:43,588 --> 00:10:44,788
Yes, dinner.

291
00:10:44,788 --> 00:10:46,668
Don't you think I might be
a bit old for you?

292
00:10:46,668 --> 00:10:48,588
I'm very mature for my age.

293
00:10:48,588 --> 00:10:51,428
Normally it's a curse,
but right now it seems worthwhile.

294
00:10:51,428 --> 00:10:53,428
All right, go on, then. Friday?

295
00:10:53,428 --> 00:10:53,988
Great.

296
00:10:53,988 --> 00:10:55,388
Cool, I'll see you then.

297
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:56,988
Thanks again, toy boy!

298
00:10:56,988 --> 00:11:00,988
'Yes! I'd done it. My ex-baby-sitter
had agreed to go out with me,

299
00:11:00,988 --> 00:11:02,588
'and all I had to do was ask her.

300
00:11:02,588 --> 00:11:06,588
'Oh, and pretend my mates were happy
to spend to bathe geriatrics.'

301
00:11:06,588 --> 00:11:08,668
So, how was your evening
with the zombies, then?

302
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,348
Creepy. Glad I'm not going back.

303
00:11:10,348 --> 00:11:11,707
What?

304
00:11:11,707 --> 00:11:12,947
I can't do it any more.

305
00:11:12,947 --> 00:11:16,387
What do you mean? You've got
to cover an extra shift tonight.

306
00:11:16,387 --> 00:11:17,867
You can't do this to me!

307
00:11:17,867 --> 00:11:19,627
I've got to go and see my dad.

308
00:11:19,627 --> 00:11:22,587
Now he's moved out, apparently
I've got to spend time with him.

309
00:11:22,587 --> 00:11:24,467
It's such a wind-up.

310
00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:26,987
Oh, fuck!
This is a fucking disaster!

311
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:29,467
I promised Daisy
the three of us would cover her.

312
00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:32,027
Oh, there's a bird involved.
Now I get it.

313
00:11:32,027 --> 00:11:34,427
Oh, God! I can't let her down.

314
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:37,267
She's agreed to go to dinner with me
to say thanks for covering.

315
00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:38,307
Oh, dinner!

316
00:11:38,307 --> 00:11:38,947
Maybe she won't mind.

317
00:11:38,947 --> 00:11:40,267
Course she'll mind!

318
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:43,267
She's only going cos he's doing her
a favour. It's tragic.

319
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:45,147
Oh, God! Jay, why don't you cover?

320
00:11:45,147 --> 00:11:46,667
Fuck off.
I've got better things to do.

321
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:47,827
What did you do last night, then?

322
00:11:47,827 --> 00:11:49,187
Went down the park.

323
00:11:49,187 --> 00:11:50,867
The park? Did you play
on the swings(?)

324
00:11:50,867 --> 00:11:54,227
At least I don't have to wipe old
arse for the next three months

325
00:11:54,227 --> 00:11:56,227
just to get a Duke of Spastic Award.

326
00:11:56,227 --> 00:11:58,987
Come on, Jay. Just think of it
as doing me a huge favour.

327
00:11:58,987 --> 00:12:00,507
Why would I do you a favour?

328
00:12:00,507 --> 00:12:01,706
For money?

329
00:12:01,706 --> 00:12:03,226
I would do it for money. How much?

330
00:12:03,226 --> 00:12:06,146
I'm not going to pay you
to do voluntary work.

331
00:12:06,146 --> 00:12:07,106
30 quid and I'll do it.

332
00:12:07,106 --> 00:12:07,946
40.

333
00:12:07,946 --> 00:12:09,026
Neil!

334
00:12:09,026 --> 00:12:12,306
Look, if you get this nurse bird to
nosh you off, then it's a bargain.

335
00:12:12,306 --> 00:12:14,106
You really are a vile human being.

336
00:12:15,146 --> 00:12:16,746
Tenner? 20.

337
00:12:16,746 --> 00:12:19,026
Oh, God. All right, then, done.

338
00:12:19,026 --> 00:12:19,706
Yep.

339
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:22,506
'Sometimes, you just have to
dance with the devil...

340
00:12:22,506 --> 00:12:24,586
'or do voluntary work
with a sex pest.'

341
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,410
(WILL) The worst thing
about your dad leaving home

342
00:12:32,410 --> 00:12:35,850
is having to eat at places like
Little Chef and the Big Steakhouse

343
00:12:35,850 --> 00:12:36,930
while he tries to bond with you.

344
00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:41,010
Look, I know this stuff with
your mum is tough for you guys.

345
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,010
You've probably got
a lot of questions.

346
00:12:44,090 --> 00:12:45,490
Can I get a new car?

347
00:12:45,490 --> 00:12:47,490
Then I want a new computer.

348
00:12:47,490 --> 00:12:49,050
You had a new computer last year.

349
00:12:49,050 --> 00:12:51,530
You got a new car six months ago.

350
00:12:51,530 --> 00:12:52,970
Yeah, but it's shit.

351
00:12:52,970 --> 00:12:55,290
Boys. I meant questions
about your mum and me.

352
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:59,250
Not really. Can I go now?

353
00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:01,690
It's been really good
to see you, Simon.

354
00:13:01,690 --> 00:13:03,610
I'm sorry to dump on you like this,

355
00:13:03,610 --> 00:13:05,450
but I've not really
got anyone else to talk to.

356
00:13:05,450 --> 00:13:06,929
It's OK, Dad, I understand.

357
00:13:06,929 --> 00:13:10,569
Things are complicated with your mum
and me, not just sexually.

358
00:13:10,569 --> 00:13:12,849
It's getting late now, Dad.

359
00:13:12,849 --> 00:13:15,169
She used to have an incredible
appetite for it. Incredible...

360
00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:17,089
Please, I don't want
to hear about...

361
00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:19,929
I wish I could just switch off
my urges - problem solved.

362
00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:22,529
But I'm a very sexual person.
Always have been.

363
00:13:22,529 --> 00:13:23,769
Is it the same for you?

364
00:13:23,769 --> 00:13:24,969
I'd better get going.

365
00:13:24,969 --> 00:13:27,249
Oh, yeah, OK.

366
00:13:27,249 --> 00:13:32,489
Um, Dad...everything is going to be
all right, isn't it?

367
00:13:32,489 --> 00:13:35,569
I hope so.
Look, maybe at the weekend

368
00:13:35,569 --> 00:13:37,689
we can have a look around
some car lots,

369
00:13:37,689 --> 00:13:39,289
see if we can't get an upgrade
on the yellow peril.

370
00:13:39,289 --> 00:13:41,329
Thanks, Dad. That'd be brilliant.

371
00:13:41,329 --> 00:13:45,089
Oh, Simon, one more thing. Can I
borrow your laptop for a few days?

372
00:13:45,089 --> 00:13:47,889
The movie channels in here
are a little bit soft,

373
00:13:47,889 --> 00:13:49,209
if you get what I mean.

374
00:13:49,209 --> 00:13:52,489
So while Simon was struggling
to keep his mixed grill down,

375
00:13:52,489 --> 00:13:55,809
in his place I had Jay
helping me out at the home.

376
00:13:55,809 --> 00:13:57,528
Lucky me.

377
00:13:57,528 --> 00:13:59,328
(MOANS)

378
00:13:59,328 --> 00:14:01,208
Careful, Jay, you'll wake Brian.

379
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:02,328
Fucking hell!

380
00:14:02,328 --> 00:14:05,408
If you love Brian's old cock
so much, why don't you marry him?

381
00:14:05,408 --> 00:14:06,688
(SIGHS)

382
00:14:06,688 --> 00:14:08,968
This is boring.
I'm going for a quick tug.

383
00:14:08,968 --> 00:14:09,968
What, in here?

384
00:14:09,968 --> 00:14:12,768
Nah. There must be a spare room
around here somewhere.

385
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:14,528
There's a bedroom
they cleared out this morning.

386
00:14:14,528 --> 00:14:15,088
Perfect.

387
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,888
But someone died in it.

388
00:14:16,888 --> 00:14:18,008
What if it's haunted?

389
00:14:18,008 --> 00:14:20,768
It'll be covered in ectoplasm
when I'm finished.

390
00:14:20,768 --> 00:14:21,688
Cos of the ghosts?

391
00:14:21,688 --> 00:14:23,808
No, cos I'm going to spunk
all over it!

392
00:14:23,808 --> 00:14:27,808
The problem pages in these are
wanking gold. See you later, mug!

393
00:14:27,808 --> 00:14:30,008
(WILL) My plan to impress Daisy
was working,

394
00:14:30,008 --> 00:14:32,688
apart from Jay masturbating
into a resident's sink

395
00:14:32,688 --> 00:14:35,808
and me being so knackered
from covering the overnight shift

396
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:38,648
that I fell asleep at school -
never a good idea.

397
00:14:38,648 --> 00:14:41,088
Here he is - Sleeping Ugly.

398
00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:43,208
Get any grey minge last night, eh?

399
00:14:43,208 --> 00:14:45,448
I know why you was really there
overnight.

400
00:14:45,448 --> 00:14:47,927
You got a geriatric girlfriend,
didn't you?

401
00:14:47,927 --> 00:14:51,447
I bet you creep into her room,
kiss her on the false teeth

402
00:14:51,447 --> 00:14:54,847
and then slide right up inside
her powdery old fanny.

403
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:57,767
He's asleep, I reckon.

404
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,807
Oh, my God! I don't believe it.
This is perfect.

405
00:15:03,807 --> 00:15:05,407
What you got there?

406
00:15:05,407 --> 00:15:09,087
Hair-removal cream,
like in them photos.

407
00:15:09,087 --> 00:15:11,887
I nicked it from Sadie Cunningham's
bag during registration.

408
00:15:11,887 --> 00:15:14,287
Her bush'll go out of control,
but this'll be well worth it.

409
00:15:14,287 --> 00:15:15,767
Oh, no way!

410
00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:17,687
Give us a hand, Neil.

411
00:15:17,687 --> 00:15:20,047
Shouldn't need too much.

412
00:15:20,047 --> 00:15:23,407
He's probably only got four pubes
and he pisses through one of them.

413
00:15:24,647 --> 00:15:26,087
SQUELCHING

414
00:15:29,567 --> 00:15:33,407
(WILL) So, unbeknownst to me,
I'd been robbed of my pubic hairs.

415
00:15:33,407 --> 00:15:37,126
The date with Daisy was hours away
and I had alopecia of the ball bag.

416
00:15:37,126 --> 00:15:39,606
Terrifyingly,
Simon was my only hope.

417
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,326
This business with my dad
is doing my head in.

418
00:15:41,326 --> 00:15:43,366
It'll get better.

419
00:15:43,366 --> 00:15:45,846
I bloody hope so.
Christ, he's boring!

420
00:15:45,846 --> 00:15:48,966
He keeps trying to talk to me
man to man. I can't bear it.

421
00:15:48,966 --> 00:15:51,766
We still need help
at the old people's home.

422
00:15:51,766 --> 00:15:53,846
Anything, so I don't have to hear
about my parents' sex life.

423
00:15:53,846 --> 00:15:54,686
Is that a yes?

424
00:15:54,686 --> 00:15:55,766
Yes!

425
00:15:55,766 --> 00:15:58,126
Can I have my shitty voluntary
job back, please?

426
00:15:58,126 --> 00:16:00,326
Great. I get to sack Jay.
That'll be good.

427
00:16:01,606 --> 00:16:04,366
Are you sure you're OK
about your mum and dad, Si?

428
00:16:04,366 --> 00:16:05,886
Yeah, yeah. They'll sort it out.

429
00:16:05,886 --> 00:16:08,286
I just want you to know
I'm here for you.

430
00:16:08,286 --> 00:16:09,366
Thanks, mate.

431
00:16:09,366 --> 00:16:13,166
Just like I know that
you're there for me if I need you.

432
00:16:13,166 --> 00:16:14,286
Yeah, course.

433
00:16:14,286 --> 00:16:15,686
Good, cos I need you to do
something.

434
00:16:15,686 --> 00:16:16,806
OK. What is it?

435
00:16:16,806 --> 00:16:18,926
Have a look at my cock.

436
00:16:18,926 --> 00:16:20,406
Um...

437
00:16:20,406 --> 00:16:22,966
Not in a gay way.
Something's gone wrong.

438
00:16:22,966 --> 00:16:25,206
I think looking at your cock at all
is a bit gay.

439
00:16:25,206 --> 00:16:28,085
Please, I'm serious.
All my pubes have fallen out.

440
00:16:28,085 --> 00:16:28,885
What?

441
00:16:28,885 --> 00:16:31,525
I was asleep at school
and must have had a wet dream

442
00:16:31,525 --> 00:16:32,605
cos it was all sticky...

443
00:16:32,605 --> 00:16:33,925
You spunked in the common room?

444
00:16:33,925 --> 00:16:35,365
Yes, but listen!

445
00:16:35,365 --> 00:16:39,445
I went home to clean up and all
my pubes came off in the shower.

446
00:16:39,445 --> 00:16:42,965
Sorry, you spunked your pants
in the common room during the day,

447
00:16:42,965 --> 00:16:46,045
when there were people around? Yes.

448
00:16:46,045 --> 00:16:47,885
And then your pubes fell out? Yes!

449
00:16:47,885 --> 00:16:49,685
This is way out of my league.

450
00:16:49,685 --> 00:16:51,885
Just look.
Normally, it wouldn't matter,

451
00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:54,965
but I've got that date with Daisy.
What if she wants more than a snog?

452
00:16:54,965 --> 00:16:57,605
Even a snog's unlikely -
no offence - but go on.

453
00:16:57,605 --> 00:17:00,525
Well, if the miracle does happen
and she touches or, worse,

454
00:17:00,525 --> 00:17:03,445
sees the bald old fella,
what's she going to think?

455
00:17:03,445 --> 00:17:04,405
That you're a porn star?

456
00:17:04,405 --> 00:17:08,285
Look at me. I don't think she's gonna
think I'm a porn star, Simon.

457
00:17:08,285 --> 00:17:10,565
Maybe you could draw some pubes on
with a marker pen.

458
00:17:10,565 --> 00:17:13,685
Oh, OK, good idea. And after that,

459
00:17:13,685 --> 00:17:16,844
maybe I'll draw a six-pack
on my stomach! Or a longer cock!

460
00:17:16,844 --> 00:17:19,124
Or what about wearing a wig
down there?

461
00:17:19,124 --> 00:17:21,484
Oh, good idea(!) A cock wig!

462
00:17:21,484 --> 00:17:24,524
What sort of idea is that?!
Fucking wig!

463
00:17:24,524 --> 00:17:26,204
Look, if you don't want my help,
I'll go.

464
00:17:26,204 --> 00:17:28,364
I'm sorry if I seem
a little stressed.

465
00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:30,924
It's just I've got no fucking pubes!

466
00:17:32,164 --> 00:17:35,524
Sorry, Simon, I do want your help.
Please look at my cock.

467
00:17:35,524 --> 00:17:37,524
No!

468
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:40,364
Simon was useless,
and soon it was time for my date.

469
00:17:40,364 --> 00:17:44,204
Despite my alarming lack of pubes,
I tried to put on a brave face.

470
00:17:44,204 --> 00:17:47,404
You look nice. I'm just going to
wash my hands, then we'll go.

471
00:17:47,404 --> 00:17:48,284
Great.

472
00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:49,684
I'll meet you outside.

473
00:17:49,684 --> 00:17:51,124
Fantastic.

474
00:17:54,204 --> 00:17:56,364
It may have been a rush of blood
to my head,

475
00:17:56,364 --> 00:17:58,644
or maybe the slight chill
around my balls,

476
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:01,244
but suddenly Simon's cock-wig advice
seemed my best shot.

477
00:18:01,244 --> 00:18:02,084
You ready?

478
00:18:02,084 --> 00:18:03,124
Yeah, sure am.

479
00:18:04,444 --> 00:18:06,604
It was itchy,
but I kind of liked it.

480
00:18:06,604 --> 00:18:10,643
I cannot believe that plum Will
is gonna pay me for yesterday

481
00:18:10,643 --> 00:18:13,643
when all I did was watch TV
and slope off for a crafty wank.

482
00:18:13,643 --> 00:18:16,683
I'm being paid to wank.
It's my perfect job.

483
00:18:16,683 --> 00:18:19,843
And tomorrow, I get 20 quid
to do it all over again.

484
00:18:19,843 --> 00:18:22,243
You go to an old people's home
and wank off?

485
00:18:22,243 --> 00:18:23,923
Doesn't that seem weird to you?

486
00:18:23,923 --> 00:18:26,563
Sometimes I even slip a finger
up my arse while doing it.

487
00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:30,323
I'm going back tomorrow, you need to
find somewhere else to bash one out.

488
00:18:30,323 --> 00:18:34,363
Oh, no, I'll still be there.
Easiest money I've ever earned.

489
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:36,163
Will won't pay you
if he doesn't need you there.

490
00:18:36,163 --> 00:18:39,403
Yes, he will.
He's got to give me notice.

491
00:18:39,403 --> 00:18:42,443
I'm a...I'm a paid voluntary worker.
I've got rights.

492
00:18:42,443 --> 00:18:43,563
Hi, Simon.

493
00:18:43,563 --> 00:18:45,523
Dad? What are you doing here?

494
00:18:45,523 --> 00:18:47,883
Me and your mum are just
talking things through.

495
00:18:47,883 --> 00:18:50,203
Oh, great. That's great.

496
00:18:50,203 --> 00:18:52,443
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, you got any johnnies?

497
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:57,442
(WILL) So while Simon's parents
had noisy, unprotected sex,

498
00:18:57,442 --> 00:18:59,122
my dinner date was going well,

499
00:18:59,122 --> 00:19:01,642
considering I had
a pensioner's wig in my pants.

500
00:19:01,642 --> 00:19:03,922
Did I just drink a whole bottle
of Pinot Grigio?

501
00:19:03,922 --> 00:19:05,242
I wasn't keeping score,

502
00:19:05,242 --> 00:19:06,082
but it looked like that.

503
00:19:06,082 --> 00:19:09,562
Oh, God. And I only really came
to dinner to say thank you

504
00:19:09,562 --> 00:19:10,642
for doing my shift the other night.

505
00:19:10,642 --> 00:19:11,962
My pleasure. It was easy.

506
00:19:11,962 --> 00:19:14,802
It was as quiet as the place
directly before the grave.

507
00:19:14,802 --> 00:19:16,802
You're funny.

508
00:19:16,802 --> 00:19:19,362
I try. No, I really do try.

509
00:19:19,362 --> 00:19:20,722
Oh, God, come here.

510
00:19:26,442 --> 00:19:28,562
Wow. Nice.

511
00:19:28,562 --> 00:19:30,562
What am I doing? You're so young.

512
00:19:30,562 --> 00:19:33,202
Um, yes, I am, but...

513
00:19:33,202 --> 00:19:35,922
No, for God's sake, don't talk.
Just come back with me.

514
00:19:35,922 --> 00:19:39,322
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I'm going to blame the white wine.

515
00:19:39,322 --> 00:19:43,122
'This was amazing. And although,
in her role as a nurse,

516
00:19:43,122 --> 00:19:46,042
'I was sure Daisy had seen
genitalia much more horrific,

517
00:19:46,042 --> 00:19:49,241
'she probably hadn't seen someone
with a wig stuffed down there.

518
00:19:49,241 --> 00:19:51,921
'So after 17 years of trying
to get girls to touch my penis,

519
00:19:51,921 --> 00:19:54,601
'I was now doing everything I could
to prevent it.'

520
00:20:02,961 --> 00:20:04,001
(HE SQUEAKS)

521
00:20:10,121 --> 00:20:12,361
What the fuck is this?

522
00:20:12,361 --> 00:20:14,161
Daisy, I'm sorry.
Please let me explain.

523
00:20:14,161 --> 00:20:15,841
Is it a wig?!

524
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:20,721
It's a long story, but I've just
not got any hair down there.

525
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:25,561
No. No, of course you haven't.

526
00:20:25,561 --> 00:20:27,521
I forget how young you are.

527
00:20:27,521 --> 00:20:30,321
I shouldn't be doing this.
You're a child!

528
00:20:30,321 --> 00:20:32,561
No, no, no, it's not that.
I have had hair...

529
00:20:32,561 --> 00:20:35,521
I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
I know you're not ready,

530
00:20:35,521 --> 00:20:38,000
you should be allowed to mature
at your own pace.

531
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:42,440
Look, forget about the hair! It still
works. Touch it. You might like it.

532
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,640
I'm sorry.

533
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,160
Is this Phyllis's wig?

534
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,360
'So my stupid, hairless gonads
had ruined it for me.

535
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:55,400
'And even worse, we still had two
weeks' tedious voluntary work left.'

536
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,200
I can't believe you're still here
and not getting paid for it.

537
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,360
I like them.
They're like people, too.

538
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:00,520
You fancy them, is what you mean.

539
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,720
No, it's just people like Brian,
you know, they've lived.

540
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,000
I think they're boring.

541
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,040
Oh, yeah, but it's a different
boring, you know what I mean?

542
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,640
No.

543
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,560
Right, I think it's about that time.

544
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:13,480
What, again?

545
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,800
With as much spunk as I have,
you need to release the valve.

546
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,480
I've got it down to about
30 seconds now.

547
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,320
You want a copy of Hello! ?

548
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:24,120
No, I've done that cover to cover.
I need some new material.

549
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:27,639
I even had to have a wank
over Fern Britton the other day.

550
00:21:27,639 --> 00:21:29,479
If you see Baldy Bollocks,
cover for us.

551
00:21:29,479 --> 00:21:33,079
Daisy, listen, I just wanted to try
and clear the air about last night.

552
00:21:33,079 --> 00:21:36,399
I'm sorry, I'm too embarrassed.
I've got to sort out a new resident.

553
00:21:36,399 --> 00:21:38,199
But I don't know what happened.

554
00:21:38,199 --> 00:21:39,639
I used to have loads of hair
down there.

555
00:21:39,639 --> 00:21:40,799
Will!

556
00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:44,199
It went all over my balls, and I've
still got loads in my arse crack!

557
00:21:44,199 --> 00:21:48,359
Will, sometimes it's better
just not to say anything.

558
00:21:50,839 --> 00:21:53,199
'So while I was
flogging a dead horse,

559
00:21:53,199 --> 00:21:56,199
'Jay was thinking about
flogging something else,

560
00:21:56,199 --> 00:21:59,079
'and in his never-ending quest
for fresh material,

561
00:21:59,079 --> 00:22:00,959
'he plumbed new depths.'

562
00:22:22,078 --> 00:22:24,238
Hello! Who's that?

563
00:22:24,238 --> 00:22:26,558
Oh, God!

564
00:22:27,518 --> 00:22:29,438
Oh, I'm so sorry.

565
00:22:29,438 --> 00:22:31,718
Don't worry, love.
I've seen it all before.

566
00:22:31,718 --> 00:22:32,838
I thought it was empty.

567
00:22:32,838 --> 00:22:34,558
Your mum's settling in OK.

568
00:22:34,558 --> 00:22:37,918
Oh, this is Jay. He's helping out
as part of Duke of Edinburgh.

569
00:22:37,918 --> 00:22:40,118
How nice.
Thanks for looking after Mum.

570
00:22:44,558 --> 00:22:46,878
He did that looking at me.

571
00:22:49,278 --> 00:22:51,518
Thanks a bunch, Jay. Nice job(!)

572
00:22:51,518 --> 00:22:52,118
I didn't do nothing.

573
00:22:52,118 --> 00:22:53,958
Really? Didn't sound like nothing.

574
00:22:53,958 --> 00:22:55,518
It was a misunderstanding.

575
00:22:55,518 --> 00:22:58,238
I don't know why you're being
so fucking menstrual.

576
00:22:58,238 --> 00:23:00,238
Maybe I'm being a bit menstrual

577
00:23:00,238 --> 00:23:03,278
cos not only have you got us
chucked off Duke of Edinburgh,

578
00:23:03,278 --> 00:23:04,918
but you've also blown it for me
with a sexy older woman.

579
00:23:04,918 --> 00:23:06,478
And that was my fault, was it?

580
00:23:06,478 --> 00:23:07,957
Yes, it was.

581
00:23:07,957 --> 00:23:09,077
How?

582
00:23:09,077 --> 00:23:12,037
You wanked at an old lady!

583
00:23:12,037 --> 00:23:14,997
And putting a wig down your pants
had nothing to do with it?

584
00:23:14,997 --> 00:23:16,597
That was a terrible idea, mate.

585
00:23:16,597 --> 00:23:18,117
That was your idea!

586
00:23:18,117 --> 00:23:20,477
A wig? What were you thinking?!

587
00:23:20,477 --> 00:23:21,917
Maybe "What am I going to do?

588
00:23:21,917 --> 00:23:25,397
"My pubes have fallen out cos my
friends thought it would be funny

589
00:23:25,397 --> 00:23:26,797
"to pour hair-remover
over my balls!"

590
00:23:26,797 --> 00:23:28,637
And it was.

591
00:23:28,637 --> 00:23:30,517
At least Daisy touched your cock.

592
00:23:30,517 --> 00:23:33,117
No. She couldn't get her hand
through the lining.

593
00:23:33,117 --> 00:23:35,557
You still owe me 40 quid
for those two shifts.

594
00:23:35,557 --> 00:23:38,197
I think you may be waiting a while
for that payment.

595
00:23:38,197 --> 00:23:39,397
We fucking shook on it!

596
00:23:39,397 --> 00:23:42,677
Yes, well, we all know what happens
when you shake on things.

597
00:23:47,757 --> 00:23:50,997
(WILL) 'They say every defeat
is a victory if you learn from it.

598
00:23:50,997 --> 00:23:53,997
'Not this one. It had simply been
a credibility-crushing...'

599
00:23:53,997 --> 00:23:55,277
You're a virgin, aren't you,
McKenzie?

600
00:23:55,277 --> 00:23:56,597
'..pube-losing,

601
00:23:56,597 --> 00:23:59,676
'granny-wanking royal disaster.'

602
00:23:59,676 --> 00:24:02,196
(NEIL) Is Prince Charles
cross with us, sir?

603
00:24:02,550 --> 00:24:07,550
Transcript: chocolate
Sync: boomer2

9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net